WATERFALL MAGAZINE / 瀑布雜誌

要從哪裡開始說好呢
抽煙? 喘氣? 還是睡覺的味道?
生活的每一個細節我都可以記得很清楚, 比如說他最高紀錄一天可以抽236根煙, 時間是在2006年的9月2號, 那一天他失戀了,所以他徹夜沒睡,因為思緒被回憶佔據了,他躺在床上,以接力的方式抽完236根煙在24個小時裡,仔細推算平均是6.66667分鐘1根, 沒有休息的空間.

如果記得沒錯的話,他那10坪大的房間裡,除了一整面牆的書櫃,和一個彈簧床之外,其他就只剩下一個大型煙灰缸,和一罐常處於空腹的大瓶礦泉水, 地板是新舖的木頭地板, 這是他唯一的堅持,他喜歡光著腳踏在木頭地板上,那木頭的紋路是某種安全感的來源吧!

關於9月2號那天, 他的房間是緊閉著的, 直到煙霧透出門縫, 他的室友終於發現再不開門通風,在房間裡的他也許會因此被自己的二手煙嗆死, 但對他本人而言,嗆死雖然是個讓人發笑的死因,但就9月2號當天的他而言,不如死去是他最想要的結果,可以用最快速的方式失去知覺,這個方式又有何不可呢?

又根據他的回想,躺在床上的24小時之間, 他腦中的思緒從沒停過, 回憶的片段像是機場提行李的迴圈,行李不間斷地從貨口噴出,毫無章法可言,沒人領取的行李,只顧著堆積,而迴圈竟然也會自己擴張,即使眼睛緊閉,自行對大腦下達STOP的指令也都無效,於是他需要靠著抽煙的動作來緩慢迴圈的速度,不然他真的就快發瘋了…..

如果要再仔細去研究情緒的狀態,其實可以說是墜落的感覺吧!沙發變成了沙漏,身體化成細碎的沙粒往下墜落,但墜落的地點可就不是一般沙漏的底部了,墜落的方向是正下方沒錯,但卻是深不見底的黑洞,墜落的速度之外,像是遊樂園的自由落體的速度吧,心臟是處於無法負荷的變形,卻沒法阻止下墜的衝勁, 深深墜入著….眼前看見的是巨大的黑,無求救的姿態去接受黑洞裡的孤寂,
黑洞裡聲音都被抽得一乾二淨地,閉上眼睛,就會以2倍加速度落下,好像再也沒有人可以了解你了,再也沒有人可以分享你心理唯一可以說話的那一塊,好像再也沒有人了,對於這方面的絕望,是最難以承受的了…

現在去想像2006年9月2號的事,他開始有點記憶不完全了, 這也許是逃避過頭的結果,所以的回憶掩埋在厚厚的灰塵之下,人類太善於保護自己了..

不知道為什麼,這時候我突然想起沙漠中的駱駝

Where shall I start?
Smoking? Breathing? Or the scent of sleep?
Every detail in my days, I memorize them clearly. For example: on the day September 2nd 2006, he smoked 236 cigarettes in one day and became his top record of smoking. He broke up with his girl, so he couldn’t sleep at night. His mind was taken by those memories from the past. And he lied on bed, keeping smoking, one cigarette after another. His consumed total 236 cigarettes in 24 hours. That was: he finished one cigarette in every 6 minutes, there’s no time to a break.

If I was right, his room contained a spring bed, a huge ashtray, a bookshelf as large as the wall and a bottle of water doesn’t have much inside. The wooden floor was new, which he only insisted. He liked to step on the wood, the grains of the floor is kind of a protection to him.

On September 2nd, his room was sealed. Until the smoke came through a crack between a door and its frame, his friend found out he would die if he didn’t open the door. To himself, although it’s ridiculous one died of his own secondhand smoke. It is an ending he wanted, on the day September 2nd.

According to his memory, he couldn’t stop recalling in the whole 24 hours. Those fragments of his memories were the luggage conveyer in the airport. The Luggage kept coming out from the exit …no one took the luggage, them remained on the conveyer and more luggage came out…soon there would be a mountain. Unexpectedly, the loop of the conveyer would extend itself automatically. He closed his eyes, and he try to send a STOP sign but it didn’t work. He needed to rely on smoking to reduce the speed of the spread of the conveyer, or he would freak out.

If we took one more step to study the state of his mind, it could be described as a feeling of falling. The sofa became a sandglass; the body became the sand inside, falling. The destination wasn’t the bottom of the sandglass, although he’s falling down, he’s falling into an endless black hole. Like playing free fall in amusement park, his heart was out of shape that he could barely take. He couldn’t stop himself from falling, all he could see was grant darkness. He was so helpless to bare the loneliness in the dark. You couldn’t hear a sound in the dark. You closed your eyes then you would fall by the speed two times from now. No one could understand your mind anymore; no one could share the only part that speaks for yourself, not anymore. It is the hardest thing to walk through; it is the most desperate thing.
Now he tried to imagine the day September 2nd 2006, he began to lose his memory, little by little. It could be the result of he escaped from it for too long. All the past was buried under the heavy dust. People were good at protecting themselves.

Until now, I couldn’t figure it out why I thought of a camel crossing the desert.