Our first fight was about a dying fly or ant, one of those small insects that we’d watch and follow until they disappear. We saw this one dying, struggling on the ground, we felt the time passing by…I said “you have to kill it, Steve, you have to end this suffering.”

And you starred at me bitterly, in panic; you said, “I’d never kill anything, any little thing, even it’s the short cut to end its suffering.
If you think killing it is the best way to save it, do it yourself, Zoe, do it yourself.”

Our peace was in the cemetery, we walked through all the stones with their real and fake flowers; we fixed the fallen vases, and sat under the tree in the middle of the graveyard.
Reading short stories, in your book half chewed by a mice.

_____________

When they asked me what dreams I have, I said, “I don’t dream anymore, I think I have made my real life a dream.”
They smiled and started telling me about their dreams, they fly, they scream, they dream in their dreams; when they look away but still try to tell you something, they know they are dreaming

_____________

“Zoe, you should definitely hang out with these Frenchies when I go away,”

“Yeah?”

“When Digger Street crumbles into dust, you can also move into their house, they cook the best food ever, and it’s all free, cus they steal everything from the supermarket…”

I like Digger Street, Denis. After you died, I went back there from the hospital with two stitches in my chin, it was the people there who drove me all the way back to the waterfall, to find your car before the police. But they had taken it. Nothing was left at where you parked but a small wallaby, killed in the middle of the road not long before we got there. So we picked it up, and BBQ it when it was still fresh.

It was too late to drive unpaved paths in the woods with your lost spirit, but we opened the window of the van, calling to give you a lift on the way back… Sorry we couldn’t get there before the police, I know it was something you don’t want your family to see, somewhere in your car.

The Frenchies, yeah, they wear those dirty working pants with lots of pockets as kitchen hands. They were kicked out from Digger Street, they steal TimTams, listen to awful psychedelic music, and make space cakes, which was not too bad.
But they steal TimTams!

_____________

Which did you enjoy more, Denis, the gravity when you jump into the water, or the lightness that makes you breathe again?

You gave a lot of people their first dose. “It’s like learning how to swim,” you said.
I agreed. And you drowned in front of me.

_____________

“I got an email from my son, I’m not sure if I should show you but…I think he is suffering from depression, and anxiety…it’s a genetic heredity, remember I told you about my insomnia? Though I knew there’s not much we can do about it, and no one to blame, I emailed him back saying maybe he should go see a doctor.

Now I got this almost disjointed email from him again, which I don’t know how to reply…Do you think I should just leave it?
Should I just wait? Do nothing but hand him to the hands of God, and let him decide? I’ll pray for him.
Is that right or wrong?”

“I think that’s completely wrong. Do something, John, do you love him or not? Call him, don’t just email him. Call his sister, his neighbor or…”
“No, that’s not going to work, he doesn’t want me to call him, he asked me not to. I know that’s not going to work.”
“Then why don’t you go and do something you think will work, instead of asking me if you know much more than I do? I mean…you’re the only one who can decide.”

“I can’t.
I don’t know. I think it is destiny.
Zoe, I just want peace, I really do. Have you heard of the story about a man asked Buddha how to have peace?”
“How?”
“’Kill me,’ the Buddha says.”

“Do something, John, both of you are still alive.”
“I know…”

_____________

“I have seen my son’s mother suffering the same thing, when we were still married in Darwin, I saw her lying on our bed, her face buried in a pillow saturated with tears. I kneed down beside her, ‘Penny, I love you,’ I said… it was silent; there was no response, no movement on her body, either. So I went out.
Sometimes I think it would have changed everything if I hugged her shoulders at that time, or laid down next to her.”

“You can never regret enough if you decide to, John.”
“Is it someone’s quote or did you just make that up?”
“That’s what I think.”
“Write that down… or I’ll forget.”
“Okay…I’ll write it down if you put the bottle down, and stop drinking.”

_____________

There was a Japanese girl in Cairns, who flew to Melbourne to attend your funeral. She told your mum what your needle looked like, and then reintroduced you to your family as someone she knows better than they do – a cocaine addict, a great tragic lover, a romantic hero who took her away to escape into a better world, a wild, beautiful dreamland once was shared with her.

“She was obsessed with Denis,” said Torsten, your best friend, “well, we all know he was never a single man, and it’s impossible to say who he really was from all kinds of stories about him.

The truth is he never tries to be anyone, to escape from anything about himself, his complexity.

He just cruises around and walks into other people’s lives. To tease them with a straight face, play tricks on them when they’re unconscious…but he doesn’t laugh at the fools, he just wants to see if they’d wake up, from lies and fantasies of this modern world. That’s what he was doing, by any means.”

It was not a surprise to find out that we both love Blond Redhead, when I heard “In Particular” in your car for the first time; I thought it’d be the only thing I need to know about you.

And there was a Japanese girl we picked up in Gosford on the way to a festival, who didn’t worry too much about the music in your car, when you asked if she’d like to listen to anything in particular; “Anything,” she said, and smiled before falling asleep.

She’s now married to her Australian boyfriend, and had a baby girl.

_____________

I’m sorry I said you’re a demon, Steve, I was drunk. I didn’t know it’d stay in your head for weeks, until you carefully asked me again if I really think so.

You had a job when you were in Canada, sitting in front of screens of live satellite tracking of the traffic, and answering phone calls from drivers who got into trouble. You follow their cars on the screen as you listen to their stories, answer their questions, give directions, calm them down, lock or unlock their doors with a remote if there’s an emergency…
People knew they’d be fine because you were on the line, watching from high above and have a better control of everything. You loved your job, especially before you hung up when problems were solved, and some drivers thanked you for being there as if you were their only friend, it seemed impossible to hide your happiness in a professional tone.

It was like playing God, until you got fired from doing some extra stuff… but no matter what it was, I know you were just trying to help.

_____________

The fire stairs in my first apartment in Sydney, where we met and lived in the same unit for a while; the fire stairs there, where I had my first time and you had a haircut.
When we moved out, the Chinese landlords wouldn’t return some of our bond, you were sitting on the balcony with a cigarette, slightly windy night. “We should just let them have the money,” you said, I was sitting on your knees.
“we know they need it much more than we do.”

A year later, when we broke up and I moved out from our unit, you still owe me fifty bucks.

_____________

“What’s this?” you looked at the book on my bed.
“ ’Chaos’, it’s a theory I’ve been studying.”
You smiled and took off your clothes, didn’t say anything else before I turned off the light. We were both too drunk and exhausted.

“I knew he was very sad, I knew because I helped him out twice when he was suicidal, and he always asks me to look after things when he feels like going away.
But I got a message from him this time, that things seemed to turn around in very little time after he met a girl. He was happy. You must be special Zoe, because Denis was special,” said Torsten, your best friend.

_____________

I woke up on the sofa again, every morning, felt I was just part of the house, so I vacuumed it again.

I’m still house sitting for Jimmy; when I met him, I sang the song ‘Jimmy’ of Moriarty: Jimmy, won’t you please come home, where the grass is green and the buffalos roam…
He said he had heard it before.

The neighbor told me there’s a jungle in the house, since Jimmy never comes back.
“I’ll make peace with the chaos,” I said.

_____________

“Tell me some shit, Zoe.” We were so comfortable, sitting on a sofa barefooted, in the middle of a shopping mall.

“I was eighteen in New York, and I met a guy in suit, when I was taking a photo of the status of Rockefeller Building. He invited me for a drink in the lobby of Shangri-La Hotel, I can’t remember his name, but he was from Greece…he talked about girls from different countries, and he asked me if there’s anything I want at the moment.

I said I want to be an artist, and I want to travel.

‘No,’ her said, ‘if there’s anything I can buy for you, anything from the 5th street.’
I couldn’t think of anything, and he looked disappointed…so I went to his apartment, the security guard almost stopped me at the door. He said he would open a bank account for me if I move to New York after my high school finishes.
He asked me if I like anything in his home, he could give it to me…but I didn’t see anything special; I liked the French window in his living room though, you can see the city with the sky from high above…So he pulled out about $400 cash from his wallet, insisted that I take them for nothing in exchange, and he drove me to the bus stop. ”

_____________

The drivers, no they didn’t rape me, because they’d have to stop the cars if they try to; instead, they asked me to live with them, and they can keep driving anywhere they want.
“But I’m just a hitchhiker,” I said.

So they wanted a photo with me before they go.

_____________

“So what’s not a drug after all?”
“Life is not, I guess.”

_____________

This Lesson # host by /
Zoe Teng

不管是對自己或者是在關係裡，我們都扮演某一種身分和模樣，姿態和黨派。我們不得不去塑造自己的形狀，總是在激勵自己，然後絕望。

薌君送了我fuck my life的衣服，剪裁很合身，也很容易引起注意。謝謝妳。

哲彬說我的問題是我太多洞了。我不知道，我也很想好好喜歡一個人，可是沒有辦法了，沒什麼可以相信的，包括我自己。

王嘉明問我這次的演出跟之前那次有什麼不同。我想，演員不同，時空不同，場地不同。光是這種群星會集體悼念死亡的形式就足以讓他理直氣壯的在宣傳片裡說，high就是意義。大家知道這次製作是空前絕後的，世界上只有一個麥可，只有一次死亡，劇場只存在今天晚上。就像青春或是愛情，光是走進排練場就覺得感傷，更難想像演完以後會怎樣。跟以前一樣大家拼命的練舞，更多的舞，排更多的戲，唱更多的歌。但不一樣的是麥可死了，大家老了，王嘉明位置變了，四十歲了，我狗送人了，雨天班比不見了，我的整個八零年代都跟爺爺在一起，爺爺也過世了。某個演員說就把這齣戲當活動來接吧，我想真有道理，我們好像是協尋海報上的動物，那隻貓咪，我們不知道有人試圖找到我們，也不知道要怎麼找到回家的路。如果五年前的演出像是個家世乖舛的混血兒，這次比較像是父母離異的十七歲少年，一切都將噴射狂飆，可以熱烈且鮮美的討論死亡，討論愛情。排練的時候，身體會有種準備感，一方面是因為我跳舞唱歌演戲沒一樣擅長，要上台很緊張，但某方面，姑且稱做身體的準備感，就像是你拿刀子抵著自己的脖子那種感覺，又或者是我第一次去野台開唱，還在排隊就聽到遠遠山裡震天價響。演員跟導演就像是以色列跟巴基斯坦的關係，我們是巴解，被種族屠殺和企業屯墾切的支離破碎；王嘉明是以色列，把持著既古老巨大又盤根錯節的信念，拒絕成熟拒絕姿態但陳腔濫調的說拒絕也是姿態的信念。而在這一切的背後，還有一個美國，一串網點，一批牛仔，一支邁阿密熱火隊，一堆大規模毀滅性武器，還有麥可傑克森。

其實我在說的是關於很多洞，我在追憶我的八零年代，我的大學生活，我不能再喜歡別人了，我不值得。

This Lesson # host by /
Wei-Jyun Tao

http://www.facebook.com/pages/you-yu-shao-nian/204541569176

Shauba Chang (photographs)

http://takeoneforall.com

昨晚回家的時候突然下了一場大雪，雪花片片堆積在公車的擋風玻璃上，車裡的熱氣讓窗戶結成一片霧，只能隱約瞧見窗外的景物都覆了層粉白。如果你把傘打開，可以從打落在傘翼上的聲音分辨究竟是雨滴抑或細雪。雪的聲音很輕，只是稍微擦過表面，以溫柔沙沙作響。

在廚房準備晚餐的時候和翔平說了一些話，他在燉奶油雞湯，剛把略炒過的洋蔥和胡蘿蔔丟進鍋裡，我則只是把昨天剩的飯菜熱了吃。電視上又在撥問答遊戲，參賽者們的年紀看上去幾乎平均在四十五歲以上，問題從巴西建國歷史到變形金剛電影裡的情節都有。翔平說他剛來這裡時，電視看了一年之後就把它送給朋友了。我說我以前住的地方沒有電視，有時候我會在網路上看電視節目。

相較於廚房，回到房間裡竟感覺冷，窗下的暖氣只夠烘著周圍的空氣。外面的雪只剩稀稀疏疏的幾縷，不遠處馬路上的公車緩緩駛過。在寒冷的夜晚裡，一切事物都用相對緩慢的速度進行著。

隔天出了太陽，但空氣依舊冰冷，殘冰結在車身表面像是碎鑽般閃閃發亮。我在浴室梳洗的時候，室外光線忽然黯淡下來，我心裡想這是倫敦的脾氣。回到房間，結實嚇了一跳，才進門就瞧見窗外的樹上掛了一隻動物。牠形態像是一頭牛，卻比牛大很多，全身蓋著褐色的絨毛，頭上沒有角。牠被卡在樹枝之間，動彈不得。我一時傻在原地，不知道該如何反應。溫土和翔平都去上班了，費德麗卡回了一趟羅馬，屋子裡只剩我一個人。

那隻動物不停擺動著牠細長的尾巴，扭著牠的脖子，猛然將頭轉向我房間的方向。那一剎那，當牠圓潤的黑眼珠直直望進我時，我竟然哭了。

This Lesson # host by /
Shauba Chang

http://takeonforall.com

從某一年開始，我開始對 “家”的事物有所著迷。我常常可以一個人花上好幾小時看完每個月不同城市版本的Elle decoration 雜誌，雜誌上迷人的廚房臥室空間氛圍、家俱、杯盤飾品永遠讓我心動不已，心裡永遠想著有一天要如何布置自己的家，要用什麼樣的杯子和盤子和家人朋友一起喝茶和吃點心? 我徹底熱愛那種家的感覺，喜歡有關居家的瑣事，更喜歡用上自己所喜愛的杯盤器皿盛上我們的料理與喜愛的人享用。

紐約的夏天有無數繽紛誘人的蔬果，可能因為溫度與緯度的關係，夏季節瓜、迷你蘿蔔、甜菜(甜菜的嫩葉可以做成沙拉或熱炒)、櫻桃、草莓、蘆筍等等都是夏天最應景的。每次一到union square 的greenmarket (farms’ market)都很難不買上一大籃回家。開始在紐約生活以後，幾乎每天都會下廚，在公寓裡，大多都是Dave負責掌廚，而我則樂於負責採買與當個小幫手。Dave是個對下廚很講究的人，他認為每個細節都很重要，可能因為他的執著，讓他燒出的菜總是有某種水準之上。在廚房中，對於在台灣長大的我對於西方的烹飪方式幾乎沒有任何的概念，那些西方的烹飪方式幾乎都是像他學習而來的，我也熱於將我們的烹飪日記放在我的flickr上，有一個朋友就曾經開玩笑的說，你是到紐約與安東尼波登學做菜嗎?

前幾個星期，趁著還帶有一點涼意的夏天早晨前往greenmarket，帶回各種不同形狀的夏季節瓜，圓的長的黃的綠的等，趁著傍晚太陽下山之前把節瓜隨意的切成塊狀或片狀，放上一小把的百里香/ thyme (如果有像小樹枝狀新鮮的thyme味道會更好)，一些磨碎的黑胡椒和海鹽，幾顆些拍碎的大蒜，淋上橄欖油，送入烤箱烤上20分鐘，或者依節瓜的厚度調整時間的長短，等節瓜烤得金黃柔軟而外面帶有點脆度及微微的焦糖化後時就可以從烤箱取出，在裝盤後淋上一些橄欖油就完成了。烤茄子和馬鈴薯也是如此，我喜歡選比鵪鶉蛋再大一點的Yukon gold potato，雖然他比一般的馬鈴薯貴上許多，但是口感也確特別綿密細緻。烤馬鈴薯時可以加上一些奶油一起下去烤味道會更誘人！每當在等待烘烤的同時，誘人的香氣從烤箱傳出總是讓我的肚子飢腸轆轆，按耐不住時，醃橄欖與一兩片麵包沾上橄欖油和balsamic vinegar會是最好的開胃小點心。你可以隨意烤上任何喜歡的蔬菜，但記得在烤的時候要注意時間以免最後焦糖化過頭就變成炭了喔!

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Wang, Tsu-Hwa
http://www.flickr.com/photos/wangtzuhwa/